the talking straw

had a family meeting last weekend.

my wife. me. three kids. one straw on the table.

only the person holding the straw could speak.

my eight year old was the speaker of the house. she handled the rotation. she made sure everyone got a turn. she enforced the rules.

my one and a half year old wanted the straw the whole time. obviously. he just wanted to chew it. that is also speech in his world.

my eleven year old took it seriously. she had a list of things she wanted to discuss.

and i sat there watching this and realized that my company has the same problem most companies have. nobody knows whose turn it is to speak.

meetings devolve into the loudest voice. or the most senior voice. or the most pessimistic voice. and the actual brilliance gets lost because the brilliant person is quiet and gets crowded out.

this happens in marriages too. the same loudest voice wins every disagreement. and that voice is rarely the wisest.

the talking straw is not just for kids.

the operating principle behind it is that structure protects truth. structure gives space to the smaller voice. structure equalizes participation across power asymmetries.

without structure.... the dynamic collapses to whoever is loudest or scariest or most relentless.

my company runs daily standups. my marriage runs weekly check ins. my family runs monthly meetings. each one has a structure that protects the smaller voice.

this isnt rigid. it is the opposite of rigid. structure is what lets a small voice be heard.

and i know this sounds basic. it is basic. and most people skip it because it feels too formal for personal relationships.

which is why most personal relationships hollow out. nobody is hearing each other. one person dominates the airtime. the other person gets quiet. they stop bringing things up. resentment builds.

the talking straw is just a tool. a goofy one. but the principle behind it is serious.

everyone deserves to speak. and someone has to enforce that or it doesnt happen.

my eight year old enforced it for our family. and watching her do it was a miniature lesson in leadership. she didnt take it personally. she didnt favor anyone. she made sure everyone had time. then she went back to playing.

thats leadership.

so for the people you live with.

who is enforcing the talking straw in your house?

and if no one is.... what does that mean for the voices that arent being heard?